Reflections

Reflections for today:

1. Sometimes you have to step up and be the bigger person in a situation. Even though you may be well justified, sometimes you have to sacrifice your pride. It's worth it in the long run. You can't confront ignorance with ignorance. Know your true battle and let immature idiots toss sand on the playground; in the end fighting will only eat YOU up inside and make you just as vindictive. You can't change the whole world, but the world can sure change you!

2. Morality and maturity do not necessarily come with age.

3. Pure Love vs. Infatuation with Love: Some people are driven to find SOMEone vs waiting on THE one. If a tree is supposed to indeed bear good fruit, you have to let it ripen with time; biting off a sour green apple doesn't make the the tree bad rushing to feed your face does lol. If our soul mates were running around with a cardboard WELCOME signs, we'd all be home bound. If you have finally landed on level ground after flying through years of turmoil to finally get in tune with where you are and where you need to be, what is a little more time? I like the scriptural quote about some people never marrying because they were born not desiring to be. Some people not being married because they were made that way by man, while some people not marrying because of the kingdom of heaven. I'll look it up again if someone is actually interested. Don't worry; I'm not about to get all holy on you all. It was just interesting to me.

4. People say if you're single something must be wrong. People say alot of shit; look at their lives and ask yourself if they are truly qualified to question let alone advise you lol. Most people lust for someone like they do cars, money, sports, clothes, etc. I am not an asset, so I am not sitting still waiting on anyone to claim me or driven to claim someone. Sure it would be cool to look to my right and laugh or cry with someone while I'm on this journey, but either way I'm gonna keep on steppin lol.

Disclaimer: Oh and I'll be sure to post a lot more photography soon. I'm just not in the mood to deal with Flickr anymore. These ones I've taken over the past week. I decided to post these ones because they're kinda my favorites. HDR pics are next.

Rambling

So I ended up going shopping after work. I need new bags. Well I don't NEED them, I would LIKE new bags. So I ended up buying a Marc Jacobs. I really don't need to be spending money but I tend to do that when I'm upset. Don't worry. No bitching and whining tonight lol. Yet at the same time nothing intellectual and deep, either. Just really not in the mood. -shug- Idk. I baked some cookies lol. Did I tell you that I also bake when I'm upset? Oh. And me and my "friend" are just friends...kinda. Not in the mood for trying to be with someone who's gonna act like a 13 year old. So whatever. I'm rambling. Goodnight.

Childishness

SO. Things with my "friend" didn't work out like I wanted it to. Dude is on some middle school shit. Playing bullshit games. The same night I posted the first blog about him, he calls me and we talk until like 3am. So I'm thinking we're on good terms again, you know. Tell me why the day after we made up and whatever, he started ignoring me again. So I'm like alright whatever, you know. Gave him a little space and maybe he'll text me later on tonight. Next thing I knew, 10:30pm was rollin around and he texts me telling me "goodnight" after not talking to me that whooooooole day. I just let it go. Shit hurt my feelings because I thought we got passed all of that and whatnot, but obviously not. Didn't wanna sound like a baby so like I said, I let it go. Yesterday...same thing; no talking until about 6 or 7. Around that time he text me and asked how my day went and so on. Text for like 30 minutes and all of a sudden he stops. So I sent him a text letting him know I was gonna lay down and that I would talk to him later. He text back saying okay. THEN after I sent it I sent another one telling him that I would just talk to him tomorrow because I was gonna try to catch up on some sleep because my sleep pattern has been screwed up these past couple of days. He gets mad and tells me that I'm doing it again. Doin the same thing he got mad at me about the first time. So we end up arguing for what seems like forever and I just stop texting. Don't have time to argue over bs. But this morning he texts me acting like last night never happened. Smh. He's such an intelligent man, but his attitude is telling me otherwise. I'm too old to play middle school games. If this is what I'm gonna have to go through in order for us to be together, then I'll pass and remain single. Atleast then I won't have to worry about the drama and the childishness.

Shouts to Dom for listening to me whine lol. I appreciate it much, boo. Mwuah! :)

Dream

I want to run wide-armed through green pastures chasing the butterflies in my stomach….

Lay on my back and listen to the birds chirp, hear the beautiful melody, and too, hum it...

twirl in circles without the worry of getting dizzy and falling down...

gaze at the clouds and live in the image, close my eyes and for a moment float off the ground...

kiss like two innocent children w/o wondering “why” or what exactly is the feeling...

never let the vibe die, so that I may go on living…this dream

-sigh-

We Shall See...

After my last post, I did a bit of soul searching. I finally got the chance to talk to HIM and figured out why the hell he was mad at me. Okay, so this is what happened. We used to talk like all day, every single day. And of course it died down a bit because we both DO have lives to live. But soon it got to the point where the only time we spoke was when I sent my "goodmorning" and "goodnight" texts. Nothing in between. And I absolutely hated that. So me being me, I said something about it, and I kept saying something about it. But I soon realized that it wasn't WHAT I said; but HOW I said it. I always said things like, "I guess I'll just ttyl since I'm obviously talking to myself." Yanno, shit like that; thinking it would get me SOME KIND of attention. Damn, was I so wrong. I soon realized that it was a bad idea, only because he told me earlier today that all that it did was push him away. Which was NOT my intentions at all. -sigh- So two days passed and he has yet to talk to me and I'm getting upset. Last night I became so upset that I broke down and cried like a big baby. And when I say I cried, I CRIED like my damn dog died. I cried because these past 2 days I stooped down to my lowest and BEGGED this guy to talk to me. And he STILL paid me no attention. Me? Beg? Yes I did. Why? Idk. I just couldn't stand the thought of not talking to him and not being in his presence. And honestly, I don't need that. I shouldn't have to stoop down to any level to get the attention of a man; or anyone at that. But at about 2 something this morning, I received a text from him asking me to promise not to have those bullshit ideas about him not wanting to talk to me. He asked me to promise to never say tell him to "have a good night" at 3 in the afternoon because he's not talking to me. He asked me to promise that I would never be afraid to fall for him. And once he sent me that text, I immediately replied with, "The last one I can't promise you. It's not that I'm afraid to fall for you. I'm more afraid of falling by myself..." After I pressed "send" I regretted it and tossed my phone under my pillow and laid my head down hoping he wouldn't respond. And he didn't....for another 10-15 minutes. By that time I was already asleep and when I woke up, I immediately grabbed my phone and read this: "You don't have to worry about that...simply because...I've already fallen for you, my dear." So right now all I can really say is, we'll see where this goes.

Rambling --For HIM

OKAY! This is my blog and I'll cry if I want to damnit.

I know you're readin this and I honestly don't care. I want some fuckin attention and if I gotta act like spoiled brat to get it then I'm gonna have another temper tantrum; a certified bitch Fit. A got damn "Marsha Marsha Marsha" attack.

Thank you. NOW! I have discovered a lot about myself. First of all, I want the very thing I have been fighting and that is scaring the mess outta me. Ahem. Companionship. Ugh, I cant believe I actually admitted that. Eh. I am a lot more sensitive than I thought I could ever be and I can't hold a grudge; obviously. I guess I gotta throw in my soldier rag.

I thought love was something you had a choice in. But now I'm searching for the person with the remote control that goes to the antenna so I can rough it lmao. I can't say the words "I miss you" so I end up saying everything else and it comes back to haunt me; so catch the hint and spare me the turmoil please and thanks. I don't need to hear the lesson about jumping in the deep end while I'm drowning. I know what you want, you want me to have an airplane spray it across the sky. But there, I said it. Well kinda. So now shut up but say something...and leave me alone, but come here lol. And "you better not hurt me or your gettin the fist"-the Wood lmao

Dag, if this doesn't move you then it's gravy cause I'm throwin my panties at the screen from turnin myself on! Hahaha just jokin lmao.Yes I am sick with it...sick in the head or something lol. Ugh. Someone SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!

Now I'm gonna go to sleep and pretend I didn't post this because I'm rambling..

Random Thoughts

Fresh start...often broken hearts remain when the table becomes cluttered with so much...

A tender touch can mean so much or too overbearing when someone is sharing what he/she believes to be enough

Rough...like a callus...when the hand that was to help once felt so soft...almost as smooth as the words used...like rose petals gently caressing the soul

Thoughts trickling from the thorns now piercing the doom...weeds wrapped around like vines on the throne...

The temple was raided...the legacy faded...a duo that sought to conquer the world...destroyed their world...so infatuated with "self"...

Walking the earth to consume what consumes...the blind to the blind, the dead to the dead...

Failed to realize the body is nothing but clothing to the soul...sacrificed the ability to live without food for some bread...riding on the tail of another...flippin the coin...hoping to get ahead...

************************************

MISLEAD

...Lost...but what is lost...to the living...when free to move and again be found...what is feeling safe if you don't want to be saved and prefer to drown...in a past that seems so deep, yet so shallow...when faith prompts you to face the waters on your knees...

why is it that we place our faith in man...because of what we hear and see...truth within and external yet we refuse to believe...

yet we seek another to somehow feel the vacancy...enslaving ourselves to deception... "hoping" to one day be free


Simply something I kinda threw together. Not my best but hey, this is me typing out everything that came to mind.

Single..

Why am I single now? Nothing bad to write. But if I can fully invest in my "company" I'll put it all in the pot. Really no need in putting a penny here and there; "interest" grows when you're focused MAAANNN lol. Maybe my entries will get a little more interesting down the line, but I read something earlier that has that chapter on hold. I am not looking forward to publishing drama, but for the record, people should really watch what they write and pay close attention to what they read lol.
I have found comfort in being single, just like I have found comfort in a meditative form of isolation. I have learned to be able so socialize and put on a show, but retain a sense of self control and responsibility. I have learned that loving my "blood can be as thin as water" family & friends & could have been more but now less men lol from a distance actually preserves good feelings towards them. I have learned you could be around someone your whole life and discover they are no more than a stranger. Then you meet a stranger and discover a friend that makes you feel that you've known him/her forever. I learned along time ago that when you feel you will die without someone in your life that if you let that feeling die you realize you never were really alive with that person to began with. I have learned that there is really no point in making a checklist for the "love of your life" because we are not manufactured products; we are all human and we all sin and only love will smooth out the imperfections. I put my foot in the water...and slowly ease myself in...if it gets too crowded or I feel raindrops on my cheeks.I get out and wait for a brighter day and my own space...but man, do I love to swim :-)
Disclaimer: I've been taking a lot of pics of people lately. Some of them were candid; others portraits. This is out of the ordinary for me because I usually do exterior arcitecture and whatever. After looking at Taylor Boo's last slideshow I thought I'd give it a try.

I Didn't Resist It

Darkness sheds light, eyes tight til the lid on this life is tight and I am no more

No longer pondering what it once existed for

Yet the questions rise and expand with the distance, searching through stars and the heavens and beyond…the soul sours

Towards the light years of the life force in which it is in hopes of being absorbed

What am I, did I ever exist, when I was ever so shape-shifting

Even now I ponder what is pending, what I am facing, am I dead or finally living

Free from the past and the yearning of such cause I’m conscious of being but not the being that once existed

Conscious, not logical or emotional cause when my heart and brain vanished, thoughts and feelings did with it

Yet I exist, though I no longer have my 5 senses

Yet conscious of love, fear, and the will to live rather than diminish

Into a state of unconsciousness some define as non-existence

Welcoming the unknown rather than approach it with resistance

Dulled the conscious of I, that was composed and compromised for bits and pieces of anothers' interpretation

Shined light on the darkness and lived a life searching for the truth, patiently waiting

On the revelation, revealing that there could only be one

One conscience, one master, one creator and many servants or slaves to the evil force that would rather have none

Would rather seek, kill, and destroy rather then bow down to the being from which it existed

Seeking purpose in living by attempting to live as gods, when living was the purpose, how could we have missed it

This evil force manipulated mankind out of vanity, causing mankind in turn to be just as vain

Parasites feasting of the flesh and soul like syphilis, driving men and women insane

Destroying such a beautiful creation, using the creators name in vain

Unconscious and emotional, but I could feel all the pain, and as though a weight was lifted
Darkness shed light, eyes tight like the lid on this life, death was the gateway to life, and I didn’t resist

Obama For That Ass!

I took this yesterday while I was in Bushwick. I thought it was so appropriate since today was the Inauguration.

It's official. Today I watched history in the making on ABC. I saw the first black president be sworn in and give a very promising speech to not only this country; but what seemed like the whole damn world [excluding Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, ect]! Lol. He definitely has a gift for speaking. I thought it was on point with today's problems and it sounds like he has carefully thought out how to handle them. He hit the issues and details of handling with authority. l was very impressed with this speech and from the response of the crowds, so were they. I never thought I would see this day and I thank God that I did. I just hope that Obama lives up to everything he said during his address. I'm not doubting him, but actions speak much louder than words.

Guess Who's Bizack!

Yeah, the title was lame but who cares lol. So I'm back...AGAIN! First off, I want to apologize for the constant deletion of this blog. The first time was an accident. The second time I just decided to delete it because school is starting and I figured I wasn't going to keep up with it because I'd be way too busy. But obviously I can't get enough of this Blogger thing lol. I miss reading and keeping up with everyone and their blogs. Man I just miss this place.I don't expect everyone to come and read like this deletion was nothing. I do plan on re-building my "rep" on here and regaining old friendships. So I'm back! And definitely excited about it.

Right now my blog layout isn't done. Still looking for a background to match the header so yanno. Excuse the bleh-ness of how it looks lol.