Hmmm.

WOW! It's been a long time since I've been on Blogger. I've been on my Twitter game hardbody lately. I can truly say that i miss blogging! But my life isn't as interesting as people think so I have nothing to blog about lmao. I got to go home last weekend. Od excited about that. Might be back soon. I need to start commenting blogs again. If I don't ever blog again, I atleast need to comment and read things. -sigh- I'm slackin.

Now For Our FEATURED Presentation...

Thanks Brook!

Let Go

There has been a lot going on with me lately and it's really becoming very overwhelming. I'm at the point where I have absolutely no clue what to do anymore. Am I at breaking point? Not quite; but if things continue to get worse, I probably will reach that point sooner or later. I know you have to go through things to become stronger, but honestly, when does the struggle end? When does the hurt cease? Does it ever? I truly hope so because I honestly don't know how long I can deal.

I've been talking to my mom a lot lately about the things going on in my head, which is something that I rarely do. It's not that my mom and I aren't close, it's just the simple fact that I'd rather keep things inside and to myself instead of discussing things. I don't do too well with constructive criticism. But we talked, and she told me that I just need to let that shit go or else it'll get the best of me in the very worst way. It's not as easy as it sounds but it's got to be done. Cus I really don't wanna feel this way anymore.

So I apologize for the lack of posts and communication with you all. I know I've apologized 021380123801380130 times for this but I'm asking everyone to bare with me on this. I'm working hard to get through all of this and I just need a little patience. -sigh- Idk.

I Can't Stand The Rain...

...but it makes things so beautiful!

Dizzy Dizzy Dizzy!

I haven't been blogging like I should and I apologize. I'm dealing with more important things at the moment. Lo siento, pero bare with me. Gracias. But there has been a mixtape frenzy going on lately. I mean EVERYBODY'S droppin one! But only 3 have caught my eye. I'll be blogging about all of them this week. I'm a busy lady so be patient with me lol. But one in particular being from thee one and only Eric "E Dot DizZy." [had to put thee gov, boo. you know that's all i call you lol] I'm sure you all know him from his lovely blog where you've had plenty of those "story of my life" moments. But now you have an opportunity to get into his mental through his music. I've downloaded and listened to it and I can truly say that I'm lovin it. I've listened to his "Never Stop Dreamin" and "I Am McLovin" mixtapes and I can truly say that he's a very talented artist and has no doubt grown. You can always tell when someone puts their blood, sweat and tears into something that they love and it's quite obvious that that's exactly what was put into this Dizzyana mixtape. I can truly and honestly that "Runnin" is one of my favorite songs. It speaks volumes. "My biggest fear is being a failure as any sign of failing and my mind goes rebellious." SO deep. I'm also really feelin "Successful" and "Don't Stop" oooowwwwww! A lot of time and effort has been put into it and it's obvious. I remember talking to him during the process. I guess the long nights and lack of sleep really paid off!

Download here.
Dizzy's Myspace
Follow him on Twitter
Blogger

Disclaimer: A few of my posts got deleted somehow. So I had to repost this one.

Sin City & Perfect Balance

Yes. It's another mixtape post lol. This is the last one. Anyway, Sin and the PME fam bam dropped 2 mixtapes that I absolutely love. Sin City and Perfect Balance are no doubt must haves and if you haven't already downloaded them both then you fuckin suck big hairy donkey kong balls. Yeah, I said it. So hop to it. It's as simple as that. PME is doin the damn thing. Hell even moms is quotin from both mixtapes! She's a big music head and she knows her shit. What does that tell you?! I'm actually listening to "Untitled" on the Sin City mixtape. This is one of my favorites. But whatever, go download. Get wit it or get lost! Now scram, kids; you're making me itch.

Download:
Sin City
Perfect Balance

Fakin' the Funk

As I look back on life I must admit that I've been fake about everything. Everything from my smiles to my happy-go-lucky attitude. When I smiled, I cried on the inside. When I laughed, my soul screamed for help. But no one knew. What made it worse was no one CARED to know. It's like, we as a people just see what we want and what we don't, we look around, over, under, and through, but never directly. It's not that we don't notice...WE DON'T CARE TO KNOW! Pointblankperiod. And people ask why I don't talk much. [Ana? Not talk much? Yes it's true lol.] But honestly, I can tell you everything about me in full detail: my likes, dislikes, goals, fears, ect. But I know if I do you'll only pick out what they choose to hear and wanna know and understand. So I see no point in wasting my time. -shrug-

Why Isn't Music Made Like This Anymore?

One of thee hottest collabs of all time. Pure unadulterated hip hop right here.

How I Feel...

There have been many times in my life where I felt naive and stupid, but never as much as I do at this moment. Let this be a lesson learned. I hope this heartache is the only scar from this relationship.

This seems like a moment in Hollywood movie-making when the naive protagonist becomes conscious of the passage of time, the disclosure of verity, and a convulsion of regret. It is a climacteric moment; the film is about to come to an despondent but poignant conclusion.

You know. I remember when I was little I used to pick at scabs. Which ended up turnin into a habit that taught me that scrapes don’t heal at the same time that blood darkens and dries. A internal wound takes longer than a external wound to heal. Doesn't matter if its physical or emotional. Life after a relationship starts to recover after the initial grief, later fury, and ultimate awareness that it wasnt meant to be after all. jus like a scab. It's like, everything appears to be moving forward on the surface, but underneath it all, pieces from the past begin to emerge, hoping to fit into the present puzzle. and when history catches up to the here and now, you can’t help but wonder what went wrong. Similar to the cut that coulda, shoulda, woulda, but didn’t heal because you picked at it, so is the relationship that could’ve, should’ve, would’ve, but didn’t succeed because you did something obviously wide of the mark.

Just A Thought

"My loves, you have to know your worth."
********************
"People can be walking along the sands of Africa kicking rocks, and toss the most valuable diamond in the world because they don't know how to polish and refine it."

How Many Licks?

I'm numb; logic smothers the flame within the heart, but I don't ever let it die

keep the fluids runnin, though they get backed up over time

Rush...can you feel it...that adrenaline...butterflies in your stomach, if you can handle the roller coaster...your guaranteed to have some fun

but if you get too nauseous homie better get off of the fast tracks, cause if you make too many nasty noises, you'll see mami run

takin cover...after poking and provoking the beast within silly people...short-lived self-gratification from the reaction

cause I'm numb and bored with the same silly old routine, analyzing and validating the ill will of the ill-willed is the closest thing to satisfaction

bored with playin the role, so I role play til I'm ready to make a scene, the suspense of puttin it out there, stimulating though unworthy to the true craving of the soul

you can get under the skin, to the bone, out through another hole, still aint murder the soul...at times lost but I'm still behind the wheel in control

talk aint cheap it cost valuable time, unless a man is actually makin moves, relationships don't move me

literally and figuratively speakin, loved or fucked over, you better be sure bout what you want to do and do it smoothly

and finish what you started, cause rest assure I compromise and stretch like elastic, but sweetie when I snap back

My alias is Karma, cause I'm giving 10 times back what you gave me, and I ain't sparing jack

An asshole will be an asshole, rather the bullshit is put out there fast or slow

People swear they are pimpin something, when you remain silent just to see how far they will go

Lick off my kindness greedy muhfucka and take a bite of my tootsie, until I roll

How many licks would it have taken to get to my heart and feel real love versus that shit that gets stuck in your teeth...the world may never know


Disclaimer: I didn't know wtf I was writing lol. Just writing stuff that came to mind. So if you're confused then uh. Idk lol.

Beach W/ The Kiddos

So me and the kiddos went to the beach and stayed at mi abuelito's beach house for a few hours. It was pretty brick outside but overall the weather was nice. We had crazy fun just laying out and talking. Surprisingly we had a pretty nice roasting session lol. They may be young but they talk madd shit lol. I wasn't allowed to take any pics cus they wouldn't let me have the camera. But I did end up with a lot of pics of me lol. Not gonna post em all though.

Dreaming

Another dimension, in which decisions do not exist
no private eye, private conversation, private parts
wide open without the fear of contamination
no private eyes digging for lies buried beneath a shallow truth
no whispers in the night...as loud and evident as night and day
no private parts... no forbidden fruit disrupting paradise

Craving to trust like a newborn baby with deep eyes simply seeking to absorb life for all its worth
Must I examine death to truly understand the true meaning of birth
Must I endure poverty to truly understand wealth
Must I fall ill to appreciate good health
Must I meet a stranger to truly distinguish friend from foe
Must I cling to every second of every minute of everyday before I let go

standing on the middle of a see-saw... split decisions and compromise
why must I touch the ground in order for someone else to rise
Balance...good and evil, right and wrong, reality and fiction
Realizing that the wisest are indeed fools, talking and listening
only to dream of a life in which thoughts no longer need come in play
falling asleep once more to escape this world, dreaming of that destined day

I'm Baaaaaaack! =)

Alright alright alriiiiiiiight! So I haven't posted in like weeks but I think I can truly say that I'm back. It's official. I've been on my secret Tumblr shit though to be honest. I don't like it, but it gives me a chance to get my thoughts out of my head. Cus they've been trapped for a minute now. But um, a lot has been going on with me during these past few weeks. Not gonna go into detail but please pray for me cus this is really taking its toll on me emotionally. -sigh- I haven't been reading or commenting blogs lately and I apologize. I've been trying to do a lot of shit and I just haven't done it. So I'm sorry. I'll be back to it starting today. I promise. *pinky promises*

Is It Just Me Or Is PME Doin It?:
So this morning I was on the PME blog cus I got a request on Twitter from somebody. Kinda forgot who; don't judge me. It's 8 in the frickin morning. Anywhoo, I decided to check out the blog since I haven't been there in a good minute. And of course, the first thing I did was listen to see what track was on it. For anyone who knows me, the song on your blog is the first thing I check out when I hit you up. If you have a dope track, I actually sit and READ your post. If I don't like your song, I skim through it. TRUE STORY! But anyway, I'm not gonna go on and on. But yo, Planet Marz is really doin it. I listened to like 4 tracks before I sat down and left a comment on a post lmao. They're no doubt holdin it down in FL so big ups to PME! Ashley, Omie, and the rest of yall...keep doin the damn thing.

Def will have more blog shouts this week. I miss my Blogger fam and I'm so so SO glad to be back. I'm going back to sleep though. Mwuah! Love yall! Yeah, my song is censored. Wtf.

Last night...

Okay so I'm not off of my hiatus but I have a few things to say. Last night I was online minding my business and talking to a few people on AIM when I noticed that stupid TweetDeck thing keep chirping or tweeting or whatever the hell you wanna call it. So as I pulled it up so I could close it, I got an eye full of the conversation going on...about me!! Don't you just love when people talk about you while you're not around? I do! It turns me on. But anyway, after skimming through a little bit of it, I was like whatever and just logged out of Twitter for the night. Not because I was "scared" but because I wasn't in the mood for confrontation. it's not my thing. I had a migraine and just needed to go to sleep. So I said my good nights to the people I was talking to on AIM and crashed. Couldn't go to sleep for shit because I had all of these thoughts running through my head. A lot of "What if's" yanno. Like, "What if they stop talking to me?" and whatever.

NOW, time to clear these accusations up. Yes, this is me. Idc how fake you think I am to be honest. Now the photography pics on the other hand, not ALL mine. Key words being NOT ALL. Not in the mood to go all out and give explanations because I have shit to do and really shouldn't be online to begin with. So to everyone who reads my blog...I'm sorry for the deception.

Then I really thought about it. I didn't build relationships with these people through these pictures. And if it comes down to no one on Blogger or Twitter not wanting to talk to me ever again then so be it. Wasn't meant to be, anyway. I know I did wrong and I apologized for it. But I refuse to kiss anyone's ass. It's not what I do. Not really my thing, yanno. Not tryin to be nonchalant about this like it doesn't matter, because it really does. I care about a lot of people on here and would hate to lose friendships over this. But if it happens then so be it. Now, it's back to my hiatus from Blogger and possibly Twitter as well....MAYBE Twitter but I doubt it. I have a lot of shit going on in my personal life that needs to be handled. Has nothing to do with this situation.

So Gone...

Its been real, but I am taking a break from the Blogger scene. Wrote enough to last for a while. Most people just read with one eye open and one eye shut anyway. It takes a third eye to comprehend if you aren't willing to use two you will leave the third eye blind. Let the old blogs marinate for a while, when your ready to fire up that grill for the meat of conversation, I'll bring out the dessert...cause i don't want to spoil your appetite lol. Time for more observation, less dictation.

Know what happens when you try to dissect what is already living to prove that it is alive. By the time you get the answers you seek; it dies.

I'm still gonna be reading and commenting blogs so don't get it twisted, homie.

Dear God...

Dark Sleep

Strayed from the straight path… impatiently plucked many dandelions before their time

Trampled the hearts of many lilies…smothered and weeded out many violets striving to find

Something soft and delicate in the rough wilderness…within a world of entangling vines

Thorn’s piercing my heart, for the soft touch of the wild rose petals in bloom to be mine

Wild Red rose…a blazing sun in the dessert, provoking the thirst that only its sweet nectar could quench

Sought only a quench when dancing, dehydrated, beneath the sun rays...and ended up drenched

Devoured the waterfall, while suffocating on sand when feasting off of the mirage inch by inch

Voyaged through the Unknown, oblivious to the name of love carved, by a previous drifter, into a man-made bench

Figured I may as well sit for a while, slowed down and began to notice the beauty of nature often neglected in the obsession for something so surreal

Fought in my sleep to wake up to a dream, fatigued, I was no match for the nightmare that left me in a state of paralysis, couldn’t move only think of the pain numbing my will

Silently screaming “JESUS”, fearing that some demonic force had me pinned…for what was once a nurturing crib had become a suffocating hearse…buried alive in my own conviction

Beneath soft red roses with piercing thorns, that only bloomed to puncture the heart, left to slowly bleed all alone in this cruel, dark, and lonely dimension

Where prince charming creeps in the Cinderella's window to rescue her, only to deliver her to the inferno within a throbbing temple, in which an evil queen sits on his heart ruling the throne

Where brother and sister come into the gingerbread house they call home all alone, and the evil witch that bore them seeks to bake and devour them til their innocence is gone

Where you were free to find your own way, pick up all your heart desired, and all your heart desired you were forbidden to keep

Felt a gentle shake from an angel…and I awoke for the first time, finally escaping the dark sleep…

Boredom Kills

Lmfao. We was bored; what can I say? And noooooo I didn't rip my pants lol. They were like that already lol. That's why there's something under them lol.

Valentine's Day

First let me start off by saying HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Yeah yeah, enough of that! Lol. Am I hating? Hell to the nah. But anyway, back to the purpose of this post. I ended up going to the movies last night to see Friday the 13th with the homaaaays lol! Review coming soon. But anyway, after the movie I ended up going straight home and going to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I found a few GIFTS! I was excited lol. A) because I don't have an official Valentine. B) because who doesn't LOVE gifts lol. I already had a feeling who it was from, but was and still am kinda confused because we're not on the best terms right now. Like...we're not even talking at the moment so for him to bring me gifts is beyond me. But anyway, I couldn't call him because I don't have my phone and I don't know his number by heart. Currently waiting for him to call me but I doubt that he will for some reason. I'll just call him when my boy comes over later since he has his number. But here are the pics of my lovely gifts.

ANYWAY, I was reading Ms. Tiana's blog earlier and saw her sexay poem for wrote for the hubster. Jealous...lowkey lol. But I was inspired to write a little something. Hers is much better but I don't really care. I was in the writing mood and decided to write something. Oowwwwwwww!

-Emotional Nudity- Take your soft and loving hands and remove the mantle of mistrust from my shoulders. Softly unbutton the silken gown of regret from my skin. Come my love and remove the veil of heartache from my face and kiss these lips that were ordained only for you. Confiscate the jewels of deception from my arms neck and ears-discard my fears. Feel the fabric of the chemise of my misgivings and set me free from it. Kiss my naked shoulders honeyed with newfound faith liberated from doubt and the threat of neglect and obscurity. My darling go further south and remove the thongs of this world's hatred and prejudice from my hips and slide them slowly down to the floor where they can be no more. Undress me until I am stripped bare of the world's evil and tainted essence until like the day of my birth, I emerge beautiful untouched- unpoisoned. Let this nude daughter of Eve stand before you liberated from the negative-Pure and positive and free to melt into your loving embrace.

The Poet's Pen

Swaddled within the poet's pen
Lies imagery born of perception
Beheld and defined through the mind
Vivid from its inception.

Though once a mere abstraction
Liquid thoughts now take design,
No longer off and fleeting
But blissfully confined.

Drawn by strokes of artistry,
Imbued by life, impassioned,
Depicted via verbal wit,
By lyric phrase enfashioned.

Words, glazed and aged writ upon page
Refined though deliberation
Endowed to speak of themselves
In poetic celebration.

Thus the poet's pen does send
And pierce the imagination
To faithfully record
Life's sheer exhilaration.

Soulmate

SHALL I DISCOVER COMFORT IN ANOTHER'S ISOLATION
BE MOLDED BY THE INFERNO OF TRUTH INTO ONE KEY
THAT UNLOCKS THE TRANSLUCENT DOOR THAT STANDS BEFORE...
MY SOULMATE AND ME

ENTER INTO HIS TEMPLE, AND BECOME A PART OF HIS DOMAIN
FEARING NOTHING BUT GOD BECAUSE HE'D DO THE SAME
NOT ASHAMED TO CALL OUT YASHUA'S NAME
THE REVELATION WOULD BE INGENIOUS, BORDERLINE INSANE

HOW GLORIOUS WOULD THAT BE TO BE LOST IN DEPTH OF SOMEONE ELSE'S EYES
FINALLY WIPE OFF THE CAMOUFLAGE MASKING A YEARNING HEART IN DISGUISE
THIS HARDCORE SHIELD THAT EMBODIES ME, TENDER HEART AND HARD DEFENSE
BEFORE WE'D MAKE LOVE WE'D BE SURE THAT THE FOUNDATION OF "WE" MADE SENSE
CONFRONT THE IMPERFECTIONS, NEVER CONCEAL BUT HEAL EACH FLAW
ENSURE OUR DESIRES AND NEEDS WERE FILTERED THROUGH THE RIGHTEOUS LAW
ONE SOLDIER, OUR CHEST SHIELDED BY GRACE AS WE BATTLE WITH SHARPENED WISDOM
GLIDING SWIFT AS A STALLION...GALLOPING UNTIL WE FULFILLED THE MISSION

FOR WHEN THE MOON BLEEDS AND MOUNTAINS CRUSH AND SEAS DROWN OTHERS
WE'D BUILD A FORTRESS AROUND OUR EMPIRE HARD AS A DIAMOND CLEAR AND PURE
OUR LOVE WOULD RISE, FOR TWOS SHALL BECAME ONE AGAIN...WHOLE... OUR LAST INHALED BY OUR FATHER AND BREATHED FOR AN ETERNITY
INSCRIBED IN THE BOOK OF LIFE FOR ALL THAT WE'D ENDURE

*I left the caps lock on. It was an accident though. I was on a roll when I realized it and didn't wanna stop typing to turn it off and plus I was halfway done with it. So I also didn't feel like typing it all over again. So work with me, loves. Lol.

Shopping pt. 2

So this is the second part in my 2 and a half day shopping spree. I'm gonna be quite honest, I DIDN'T buy all of this myself; my mom and mi abuelita went shopping with me as well. I'm pretty spoiled lol. I can truly and honestly care less how people feel about that. All I'm gonna say if you hatin then mind ya bidness and press Alt+F4, bruh. And to answer your question, Toy, I did order some shit from Karmaloop and got some stuff from Dr. Jay's that I have yet to take pics of. Didn't really feel like to be honest lol.

In other news, I saw my "friend" last night before he went back to Syracuse and we talked. Well, I did most of the talking because I had a lot that I needed to say about how he's been acting. He said that he understood and admitted that he WAS acting like a damn child and said he'd chill with the bitchassness. Yeah, he said it. And that's all I really wanted. That and for him to get his act together. After we talked and resolved this whole thing, he told me he wanted to take me SHOPPING! Can't buy my love or happiness but it damn sure will make me smile! Lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm no gold digger. Mami's makin bank and I can take myself shopping; don't get it twisted, boo. But I'm not gonna tell him NO! Especially if he WANTS to. Plus, Valentine's Day is coming up lmfao. Sooooo I might take him up on that offer.

I wasn't in the mood to make any posts about the Grammy's and I DON'T wanna read any blogs about it. Sorry. And I damn sure don't wanna read any blogs about CB and Rhianna. Smh. I'm tired of this whole situation.

Shopping pt.1

I finally got some shopping done on Friday and ended up spending waaaaay more than I needed to. Like it REALLY hurt my feelings. I guess that's the consequence for having expensive taste. I ended up buying things from Chanel to Gucci from Nars to MAC. I went crazy. I think I'm gonna use this post for my necessity grabs and the next one is for all of the other stuff that I bought. I won't be shopping again for a loooooooooong time lol.

The Cheesecake Factory

Today has been just bleh. I've been busy all day and now I can truly and honestly say that I'm beat. I'm ready for this day to be over. But on a better note, I went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch! Omg, it was wonderful! Lol. I ordered the cajun shrimp pasta and got the godiva chocolate cheesecake. It was absolutely amazing lol. But that's all lol. I have to get back to work.

The Matrix

Hmm...what's on my mind? I always felt that its better to know the truth than live a lie...but when you live in a matrix, the senses can easily be numbed by the subconscious. The reality we live is fantastic. Ever watch the Matrix? Imagine that your body is like an Xbox remote but this one would cover your soul like a full bodied remote and trigger all of your senses so that you could feel everything in the world that you enter once the power is on. You can even interact with other people playing the same game, kind of like logging online and playing with other people right. Well, imagine if you were put into this game world and you could not come out until your mission was complete. The game is so advanced, that your given a manual to use throughout your time in this game world and its so serious you have guides, signs, and access to more manuals. You are forewarned at the beginning of the game to remember this is just a game world...even though you can see, touch, taste, smell, hear, and even feel things while interacting with other people playing with you...this is just a game and you must always remember that you are to do your mission and come back. If you allow yourself to get caught up in the game to the point you let yourself go and no longer want to leave the game, your soul will be trapped in the game and you will be shut down when the power is swtiched off.

Think about that and think about the world we live in. The "villains" in the game that distract you from your mission; how the senses may cause your conscience to fry out to the point you grow cold and act like an animal because you are no longer connected with your will power. Think about how isolated you may feel around people that have sold their souls and become zombie like...driven by the candy-coated poisons of this game world that your were forbidden to touch by the manual. Would you disguise yourself as a zombie to avoid the villains attacking you, or would you fight against the current to avoid the waterfalls...or simply take the safe route and walk along the stream on the path that the manual has mapped out.

Just food for thought.

Boy BYE!

My "friend" left a gift on my desk at work while I was on my lunch break. But why don't I care? Why am I not excited or moved by the gesture?

























Simply because I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.....YOU! ;) That's how I feel about it, bruh. Is that so wrong? -shrug-

Disclaimer: It's not that I'm not "feeling" him; because I am. Despite the childish games he plays when it comes to certain things, he's a really nice guy and I enjoy his company...at times. BUT I can't deal with the kiddie games so, yanno. But I still say fuck him; I'm mad at his childish ass. Hmph.

Lo Siento

That's my lunch, btw! Lmao. I used my BB for that pic, so that's why it looks BLEH! But it's a burrito bowl from Chipotle! Anyway...these past 2 weeks I can honestly say that I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. One day I'm happy as hell, singing and whistling nd shit lol. Then a few days later I'm pissed; in the worse mood ever. I don't wanna be bothered, don't feel like blogging or reading/commenting anyone else's blogs. Got to the point where my mom told me to stop being such a bitch. Bipolar much? Lol naaaah. Just going through a lot right now. So I want to thank everyone for tolerating my bitching and whatnot. And a special SPECIAL thanks to Dom for putting up with me lol. I know I've been acting like a big baby lately, but you have yet to judge me or tellin me to shop whining and I appreciate it mucho, boo. So I'm back on my grind. Def gonna get back into reading and commenting more blogs. AND posting more interesting shit lol. No more whining...for a while. But okay, I'm on my lunch and I'm tired of multitasking lol. Soooooooo "I'll hollaaaaa!"

SB Sunday

So today the Superbowl comes on. I'm semi-excited about it. I just really wanna go to this SB party for the food. Hell, just being honest. BUT I don't want the Steelers to win. Whatever though. Yall have a great day. Obviously I'm not in the mood for a long and drawn out post.

Reflections

Reflections for today:

1. Sometimes you have to step up and be the bigger person in a situation. Even though you may be well justified, sometimes you have to sacrifice your pride. It's worth it in the long run. You can't confront ignorance with ignorance. Know your true battle and let immature idiots toss sand on the playground; in the end fighting will only eat YOU up inside and make you just as vindictive. You can't change the whole world, but the world can sure change you!

2. Morality and maturity do not necessarily come with age.

3. Pure Love vs. Infatuation with Love: Some people are driven to find SOMEone vs waiting on THE one. If a tree is supposed to indeed bear good fruit, you have to let it ripen with time; biting off a sour green apple doesn't make the the tree bad rushing to feed your face does lol. If our soul mates were running around with a cardboard WELCOME signs, we'd all be home bound. If you have finally landed on level ground after flying through years of turmoil to finally get in tune with where you are and where you need to be, what is a little more time? I like the scriptural quote about some people never marrying because they were born not desiring to be. Some people not being married because they were made that way by man, while some people not marrying because of the kingdom of heaven. I'll look it up again if someone is actually interested. Don't worry; I'm not about to get all holy on you all. It was just interesting to me.

4. People say if you're single something must be wrong. People say alot of shit; look at their lives and ask yourself if they are truly qualified to question let alone advise you lol. Most people lust for someone like they do cars, money, sports, clothes, etc. I am not an asset, so I am not sitting still waiting on anyone to claim me or driven to claim someone. Sure it would be cool to look to my right and laugh or cry with someone while I'm on this journey, but either way I'm gonna keep on steppin lol.

Disclaimer: Oh and I'll be sure to post a lot more photography soon. I'm just not in the mood to deal with Flickr anymore. These ones I've taken over the past week. I decided to post these ones because they're kinda my favorites. HDR pics are next.

Rambling

So I ended up going shopping after work. I need new bags. Well I don't NEED them, I would LIKE new bags. So I ended up buying a Marc Jacobs. I really don't need to be spending money but I tend to do that when I'm upset. Don't worry. No bitching and whining tonight lol. Yet at the same time nothing intellectual and deep, either. Just really not in the mood. -shug- Idk. I baked some cookies lol. Did I tell you that I also bake when I'm upset? Oh. And me and my "friend" are just friends...kinda. Not in the mood for trying to be with someone who's gonna act like a 13 year old. So whatever. I'm rambling. Goodnight.

Childishness

SO. Things with my "friend" didn't work out like I wanted it to. Dude is on some middle school shit. Playing bullshit games. The same night I posted the first blog about him, he calls me and we talk until like 3am. So I'm thinking we're on good terms again, you know. Tell me why the day after we made up and whatever, he started ignoring me again. So I'm like alright whatever, you know. Gave him a little space and maybe he'll text me later on tonight. Next thing I knew, 10:30pm was rollin around and he texts me telling me "goodnight" after not talking to me that whooooooole day. I just let it go. Shit hurt my feelings because I thought we got passed all of that and whatnot, but obviously not. Didn't wanna sound like a baby so like I said, I let it go. Yesterday...same thing; no talking until about 6 or 7. Around that time he text me and asked how my day went and so on. Text for like 30 minutes and all of a sudden he stops. So I sent him a text letting him know I was gonna lay down and that I would talk to him later. He text back saying okay. THEN after I sent it I sent another one telling him that I would just talk to him tomorrow because I was gonna try to catch up on some sleep because my sleep pattern has been screwed up these past couple of days. He gets mad and tells me that I'm doing it again. Doin the same thing he got mad at me about the first time. So we end up arguing for what seems like forever and I just stop texting. Don't have time to argue over bs. But this morning he texts me acting like last night never happened. Smh. He's such an intelligent man, but his attitude is telling me otherwise. I'm too old to play middle school games. If this is what I'm gonna have to go through in order for us to be together, then I'll pass and remain single. Atleast then I won't have to worry about the drama and the childishness.

Shouts to Dom for listening to me whine lol. I appreciate it much, boo. Mwuah! :)

Dream

I want to run wide-armed through green pastures chasing the butterflies in my stomach….

Lay on my back and listen to the birds chirp, hear the beautiful melody, and too, hum it...

twirl in circles without the worry of getting dizzy and falling down...

gaze at the clouds and live in the image, close my eyes and for a moment float off the ground...

kiss like two innocent children w/o wondering “why” or what exactly is the feeling...

never let the vibe die, so that I may go on living…this dream

-sigh-

We Shall See...

After my last post, I did a bit of soul searching. I finally got the chance to talk to HIM and figured out why the hell he was mad at me. Okay, so this is what happened. We used to talk like all day, every single day. And of course it died down a bit because we both DO have lives to live. But soon it got to the point where the only time we spoke was when I sent my "goodmorning" and "goodnight" texts. Nothing in between. And I absolutely hated that. So me being me, I said something about it, and I kept saying something about it. But I soon realized that it wasn't WHAT I said; but HOW I said it. I always said things like, "I guess I'll just ttyl since I'm obviously talking to myself." Yanno, shit like that; thinking it would get me SOME KIND of attention. Damn, was I so wrong. I soon realized that it was a bad idea, only because he told me earlier today that all that it did was push him away. Which was NOT my intentions at all. -sigh- So two days passed and he has yet to talk to me and I'm getting upset. Last night I became so upset that I broke down and cried like a big baby. And when I say I cried, I CRIED like my damn dog died. I cried because these past 2 days I stooped down to my lowest and BEGGED this guy to talk to me. And he STILL paid me no attention. Me? Beg? Yes I did. Why? Idk. I just couldn't stand the thought of not talking to him and not being in his presence. And honestly, I don't need that. I shouldn't have to stoop down to any level to get the attention of a man; or anyone at that. But at about 2 something this morning, I received a text from him asking me to promise not to have those bullshit ideas about him not wanting to talk to me. He asked me to promise to never say tell him to "have a good night" at 3 in the afternoon because he's not talking to me. He asked me to promise that I would never be afraid to fall for him. And once he sent me that text, I immediately replied with, "The last one I can't promise you. It's not that I'm afraid to fall for you. I'm more afraid of falling by myself..." After I pressed "send" I regretted it and tossed my phone under my pillow and laid my head down hoping he wouldn't respond. And he didn't....for another 10-15 minutes. By that time I was already asleep and when I woke up, I immediately grabbed my phone and read this: "You don't have to worry about that...simply because...I've already fallen for you, my dear." So right now all I can really say is, we'll see where this goes.

Rambling --For HIM

OKAY! This is my blog and I'll cry if I want to damnit.

I know you're readin this and I honestly don't care. I want some fuckin attention and if I gotta act like spoiled brat to get it then I'm gonna have another temper tantrum; a certified bitch Fit. A got damn "Marsha Marsha Marsha" attack.

Thank you. NOW! I have discovered a lot about myself. First of all, I want the very thing I have been fighting and that is scaring the mess outta me. Ahem. Companionship. Ugh, I cant believe I actually admitted that. Eh. I am a lot more sensitive than I thought I could ever be and I can't hold a grudge; obviously. I guess I gotta throw in my soldier rag.

I thought love was something you had a choice in. But now I'm searching for the person with the remote control that goes to the antenna so I can rough it lmao. I can't say the words "I miss you" so I end up saying everything else and it comes back to haunt me; so catch the hint and spare me the turmoil please and thanks. I don't need to hear the lesson about jumping in the deep end while I'm drowning. I know what you want, you want me to have an airplane spray it across the sky. But there, I said it. Well kinda. So now shut up but say something...and leave me alone, but come here lol. And "you better not hurt me or your gettin the fist"-the Wood lmao

Dag, if this doesn't move you then it's gravy cause I'm throwin my panties at the screen from turnin myself on! Hahaha just jokin lmao.Yes I am sick with it...sick in the head or something lol. Ugh. Someone SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!

Now I'm gonna go to sleep and pretend I didn't post this because I'm rambling..

Random Thoughts

Fresh start...often broken hearts remain when the table becomes cluttered with so much...

A tender touch can mean so much or too overbearing when someone is sharing what he/she believes to be enough

Rough...like a callus...when the hand that was to help once felt so soft...almost as smooth as the words used...like rose petals gently caressing the soul

Thoughts trickling from the thorns now piercing the doom...weeds wrapped around like vines on the throne...

The temple was raided...the legacy faded...a duo that sought to conquer the world...destroyed their world...so infatuated with "self"...

Walking the earth to consume what consumes...the blind to the blind, the dead to the dead...

Failed to realize the body is nothing but clothing to the soul...sacrificed the ability to live without food for some bread...riding on the tail of another...flippin the coin...hoping to get ahead...

************************************

MISLEAD

...Lost...but what is lost...to the living...when free to move and again be found...what is feeling safe if you don't want to be saved and prefer to drown...in a past that seems so deep, yet so shallow...when faith prompts you to face the waters on your knees...

why is it that we place our faith in man...because of what we hear and see...truth within and external yet we refuse to believe...

yet we seek another to somehow feel the vacancy...enslaving ourselves to deception... "hoping" to one day be free


Simply something I kinda threw together. Not my best but hey, this is me typing out everything that came to mind.

Single..

Why am I single now? Nothing bad to write. But if I can fully invest in my "company" I'll put it all in the pot. Really no need in putting a penny here and there; "interest" grows when you're focused MAAANNN lol. Maybe my entries will get a little more interesting down the line, but I read something earlier that has that chapter on hold. I am not looking forward to publishing drama, but for the record, people should really watch what they write and pay close attention to what they read lol.
I have found comfort in being single, just like I have found comfort in a meditative form of isolation. I have learned to be able so socialize and put on a show, but retain a sense of self control and responsibility. I have learned that loving my "blood can be as thin as water" family & friends & could have been more but now less men lol from a distance actually preserves good feelings towards them. I have learned you could be around someone your whole life and discover they are no more than a stranger. Then you meet a stranger and discover a friend that makes you feel that you've known him/her forever. I learned along time ago that when you feel you will die without someone in your life that if you let that feeling die you realize you never were really alive with that person to began with. I have learned that there is really no point in making a checklist for the "love of your life" because we are not manufactured products; we are all human and we all sin and only love will smooth out the imperfections. I put my foot in the water...and slowly ease myself in...if it gets too crowded or I feel raindrops on my cheeks.I get out and wait for a brighter day and my own space...but man, do I love to swim :-)
Disclaimer: I've been taking a lot of pics of people lately. Some of them were candid; others portraits. This is out of the ordinary for me because I usually do exterior arcitecture and whatever. After looking at Taylor Boo's last slideshow I thought I'd give it a try.

I Didn't Resist It

Darkness sheds light, eyes tight til the lid on this life is tight and I am no more

No longer pondering what it once existed for

Yet the questions rise and expand with the distance, searching through stars and the heavens and beyond…the soul sours

Towards the light years of the life force in which it is in hopes of being absorbed

What am I, did I ever exist, when I was ever so shape-shifting

Even now I ponder what is pending, what I am facing, am I dead or finally living

Free from the past and the yearning of such cause I’m conscious of being but not the being that once existed

Conscious, not logical or emotional cause when my heart and brain vanished, thoughts and feelings did with it

Yet I exist, though I no longer have my 5 senses

Yet conscious of love, fear, and the will to live rather than diminish

Into a state of unconsciousness some define as non-existence

Welcoming the unknown rather than approach it with resistance

Dulled the conscious of I, that was composed and compromised for bits and pieces of anothers' interpretation

Shined light on the darkness and lived a life searching for the truth, patiently waiting

On the revelation, revealing that there could only be one

One conscience, one master, one creator and many servants or slaves to the evil force that would rather have none

Would rather seek, kill, and destroy rather then bow down to the being from which it existed

Seeking purpose in living by attempting to live as gods, when living was the purpose, how could we have missed it

This evil force manipulated mankind out of vanity, causing mankind in turn to be just as vain

Parasites feasting of the flesh and soul like syphilis, driving men and women insane

Destroying such a beautiful creation, using the creators name in vain

Unconscious and emotional, but I could feel all the pain, and as though a weight was lifted
Darkness shed light, eyes tight like the lid on this life, death was the gateway to life, and I didn’t resist

Obama For That Ass!

I took this yesterday while I was in Bushwick. I thought it was so appropriate since today was the Inauguration.

It's official. Today I watched history in the making on ABC. I saw the first black president be sworn in and give a very promising speech to not only this country; but what seemed like the whole damn world [excluding Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, ect]! Lol. He definitely has a gift for speaking. I thought it was on point with today's problems and it sounds like he has carefully thought out how to handle them. He hit the issues and details of handling with authority. l was very impressed with this speech and from the response of the crowds, so were they. I never thought I would see this day and I thank God that I did. I just hope that Obama lives up to everything he said during his address. I'm not doubting him, but actions speak much louder than words.

Guess Who's Bizack!

Yeah, the title was lame but who cares lol. So I'm back...AGAIN! First off, I want to apologize for the constant deletion of this blog. The first time was an accident. The second time I just decided to delete it because school is starting and I figured I wasn't going to keep up with it because I'd be way too busy. But obviously I can't get enough of this Blogger thing lol. I miss reading and keeping up with everyone and their blogs. Man I just miss this place.I don't expect everyone to come and read like this deletion was nothing. I do plan on re-building my "rep" on here and regaining old friendships. So I'm back! And definitely excited about it.

Right now my blog layout isn't done. Still looking for a background to match the header so yanno. Excuse the bleh-ness of how it looks lol.